A Bunch of SlackJawed Yokels
by Kouryou Akikaze
Summary: UPDATED. The Bebop crew finally find their bounty. Will he go quietly or will they have to use brute force? And what does cashews and musicals have to do with it?
1. The Beginning that I had no intention of...

A Bunch of Slack-Jawed Yokels  
  
A/N: This story combines all the things 'bout Southerners seen in movies, TV, and read in books (No offense to real Southerners.) with our favorite anime show. It's all just for fun. Also, all non-Bebop characters are mine. And the name of the town is named after a famous Southern, Jeff Foxworthy, of whom I do not own.  
  
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In the small town of Foxworthy, Mississippi there lived a bounty hunter named Spike Spiegel. Spike went a-huntin' with his trusted friends Jet Bob Black and Miz Faye Jean Valentine. Also with them were Ed and Ein, a smart girl and her pup companion. Today begins another day in Foxworthy.  
  
" When are all ya'll gonna find a new bounty, 'cause I wanna get me some of them fancy di-a-monds I've been wantin' fer a long time," Miz Faye Jean said fanning herself while staring out the window.  
  
" Don't git yer panties in a twist, Miz Faye Jean. I went out and got us all a new bounty," Spike said waving a piece of paper, " Hey! Jet Bob! Ed! Ein! Git all yawl's in here!"  
  
Ed and Ein covered in dirt came running into the living room of the one story run down house. Jet Bob followed them with a frying pan and spatula.  
  
" Wooo! Hoooo! Tally-hoo! Ed knowed that Spike would come through!" Ed yelled as she danced with Ein.  
  
" This calls fer a cele-a-brashun. I'm gon make a heapin' helping of johnnycakes fer all ya'll," Jet Bob added in excitement.  
  
After all the johnnycakes they could handle were eaten, they set out to find Big Bubba, the guy whose bounty they were after. It wasn't long before they encountered Vicious with his rusted old shotgun in hand.  
  
" I'm a-gunnin' fer ya Spike!" Vicious yelled.  
  
" Well, tie me up an' paint me yeller. It's Vicious a-gunnin' fer me again," Spike replied.  
  
" Now we'll ne'er git the bounty now. Let's git an' let the two fat over Julia May." Jet Bob said escorting the rest of the crew of in the direction of the local bar.  
  
The two stared at each other with shotguns in hand. Spike quickly fired a round.  
  
" Ya shot me! You miserable sonbitch! Ya shot me!" Vicious yelled cradling his wounded hand and then shot Spike, " How ya like 'em beans."  
  
But Spike didn't respond.  
  
Is this the end of our hero? Find out in chapter two. 


	2. The Second Chapter! Wow!

A/N: I wasn't really planning on continuing this fic but since more people want it (five to be exact) so I wrote another chapter. Also, I took up a suggestion from a reviewer to add Gren and furthermore I would like to repeat that this fic wasn't created to bash real Southerners just the stereotypes created by others. What do I have to do to get that point across? Get Vicious and Spike wearing Sugar Plum Faerie outfits to say it while doing the can-can? /Light bulb/  
  
Vicious and Spike enter a stage area dressed in pink and puffy Sugar Plum Faerie outfits pretty pissed off. They commence to do the can-can.  
  
Vicious: This fic WASN'T created to offend real Southerners.  
  
Spike: It was created for fun and out of boredom, and to make fun of the stereotypes of Southerners that were created by others.  
  
Vicious and Spike: So enjoy the fic. . Now may we leave?  
  
Seigi: Yes, now that's cleared up.  
  
Vicious and Spike stomp off muttering swears underneath their breaths.  
  
Ed: On with the fic! And Seigi doesn't own Cowboy Bebop. ///////  
  
Jet Bob, Miz Faye Jean, Ed, and Ein entered the local bar surprisingly called The Local Bar. All sat on the rickety old barstools and waited for the guy behind the counter to take their orders. He quickly finished his business and trotted over to serve the new customers.  
  
" Whuz a purdy lady like ya doin' in a bar like this?" Jet Bob asked trying to put on the moves with the bartender.  
  
"Uh.What would you fine people like to have?" the bartender asked a bit confused by Jet Bob.  
  
" Say, ya'll ain't from rund here," Jet Bob stated after hearing the bartender's strange accent.  
  
" An' ya ain't woman neither," Miz Faye Jean added noticing the manly voice.  
  
" Whaaaa?!" Jet Bob yelled as he fell back in surprise.  
  
"Yeah.My name is Gren and I'm from Vermont," Gren said to clarify a bit.  
  
"But ya'll look woman why i'd that?" Ed asked noticing Gren's curvy features.  
  
" It's like I said before. I'm from Vermont and we do the things that make New Hampshire nervous." Gren said matter-of-factly. (In this fic, I am just insulting everybody, but it's just in fun. No offense intended.)  
  
" Ohhhhh," all three said in unison.  
  
The four talked and drank together for a while so now we'll go back to Vicious and Spike.  
  
///////////  
  
Vicious walked over to Spike's unmoving body.  
  
" Yahooooo! Hot doggy! Tha' critter up and dieded," Vicious screamed out in celebration.  
  
Suddenly Spike began to twitch like a bug that's been squished.  
  
" I's not did yet!" Spike yelled out then pulled himself up.  
  
" Oh. So, see ya net Twosdey?" Vicious asked.  
  
" Yep. Sam tim, aulso," Spike added limping to The Local Bar.  
  
When Spike entered he saw Jet Bob and Miz Faye Jean up on stage singing "I've Got You Babe" by Sonny and Cher (I don't own the song.), but it sounded more like "I's Git Ya *hic* Baby" (not a real song just the drunken hick version).  
  
" Theys sid are luv won't make us bent fer somethin' somethin' spentttt!" Miz Faye Jean sang out grasping on the microphone to maintain her balance.  
  
" Wal! I's dun know if awl dat blue 'cause ya git me and baby I've git a shoooe!" Jet Bob slurred out in a tune.  
  
" Baby! I's Git Ya *hic* Baby! I's Git Ya *hic* Baby!" both sang out then passed out.  
  
"Yay! Yay!" Ed screamed out while shaking her orange juice around (they have orange juice in bars and Ed wouldn't drink).  
  
" Um. Ikay," Spike said with an emotion somewhere between confusion and embarrassment plastered on his face.  
  
" Spike dun finished his duwel wi' Vicious fer today," Ed said spinning about on the barstool.  
  
" Yep. Na we's gunna find Big Bubba. And -" Spike said then stopped when he noticed two masculine yet feminine hands massaging in places they shouldn't.  
  
Spike turned around and saw Gren.  
  
" Hi handsome," Gren said with a wink.  
  
" Uhh.Puhlez remove yer hands," Spike said.  
  
" Okay, but I know where Big Bubba is," Gren stated.  
  
//////  
  
All three entered the Whine and Dine truck stop and scanned the area. There he was Big Bubba. Spike adjusted his overalls and headed over to Big Bubba who was eating grits.  
  
" Ya'll er under arrest," Spike said with shotgun in hand.  
  
Will Big Bubba go quietly? Find out in Chapter Three. 


	3. CHICKEN DANCE of doom

A/N: Chapter three blah blah not sure if I want to continue it blah blah all non-Bebop characters are mine blah blah don't own the chicken dance blah blah no offense to real southerners blah blah.  
  
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Big Bubba eyed Spike and his shotgun for a while and then went back to eating.  
  
'Hey! I's said git up yer under arrest!' Spike shouted and ready to pull the trigger.  
  
Upon seeing this Jet Bob and Miz Faye Jean took out their shotguns and backed Spike up.  
  
'Wal? Er ya gittin up r not?' Jet Bob said then cocked his gun.  
  
Miz Faye Jean realized that communication wasn't working so she decided on the direct approach. She picked up Big Bubba's plate of grits and slammed it on the floor.  
  
'Git up now!' she screamed.  
  
Big Bubba started at his delicious grits upon the dirty hay covered floor and he got up but not in the way they would have liked. At this point Spike, Jet Bob, and Miz Faye Jean realized that Big Bubba wasn't one of those ironic nicknames. All three backed away meekly from the infuriated Big Bubba.  
  
'I-I-I wuz just playin Big Bubba. I'll go git ya anuther plate,' Miz Faye Jean said.  
  
But that wasn't good enough for him and one by one they were thrown through the windows of the Whine and Dine. Ed saw her companions lying on the dirt in pain and dropped her orange juice to set Big Bubba straight.  
  
'Hey you! Ed chalanges ya to a duwel!' Ed yelled out to the seven-foot tall tree trunk of a man.  
  
///////////  
  
Spike lifted his head off the ground and spat out some dirt. Jet Bob and Miz Faye Jean were already up dusting themselves off.  
  
'Di Ed just chalange Big Bubba to a duwel?' Spike asked getting up off the ground.  
  
All three momentarily stared ate each other then ran back into the diner to save Ed from certain death. Just as they entered they saw Ed and Big Bubba on the dance floor by the jukebox. Ein put a quarter in and selected a song. The obnoxious yet fun melody was none other than the CHICKEN DANCE of doom.  
  
'Ed wal be kieled!' Jet Bob screamed out.  
  
The two started off slowly and were both on beat but the tempo increased faster and faster. Ed was cagey like a tiger and then pounced. She was keeping up with the tempo faster than anyone could manage. Big Bubba was too but then he hit the wall. He didn't run out of steam he actually hit a wall. Ed still continued the dance until the music stopped. The crowd roared with delight. (Hey it doesn't take much for a small town to get riled up I should know.) She then twisted around and took a bow. Yep all six and a half people picked up Ed and chanted her name.  
  
'Gret job, Ed!' Spike said.  
  
'Ed knew Ed could defeet Big Bubba!' Ed shouted.  
  
Just then Big Bubba pried himself out of the wall and walked up to Ed.  
  
'You think I am Big Bubba? Well, sorry old bean, I am Harvard Graduate Greg,' He said.  
  
'Oh. Ed an' ev'ryone is surry for that, but does Harvard Graduate Greg no whir Big Bubba is?' Ed asked.  
  
'The whereabouts of that loutish yegg (criminal) is unknown to me, but try the Krusty Bucket,' Harvard Graduate Greg said.  
  
///////////  
  
They entered into the Krusty Bucket and Spike saw Vicious and Julia May sitting together in the non-chigger section. Spike was understandably upset and ran up to them.  
  
'Vicious, ya er gon down!' Spike yelled as he pushed Vicious out the door.  
  
////////  
  
'Hey! She two-timin the both a us!' Vicious yelled out.  
  
'Wha?' Spike asked.  
  
////////  
  
A large green bird walked up to the table where Julia May was sitting at.  
  
'Yer late,' she said then her new beau.  
  
/////////// Jet Bob, Miz Faye Jean, Ed and Ein walked on the crunchy floor of the chigger section and saw him, Big Bubba.  
  
Is this the real Big Bubba or another Ivy League graduate? Find out in chapter four. 


	4. Cashews vs Fish and All That Jazz

A/N: Five points: Don't own CB, No offense to southerners, don't own Chicago (city, band, musical, and movie), all non-Bebop characters are mine, and cashews are deadly. /////////////////////////////////////////  
  
Chapter Four: Cashews VS. Fish and All That Jazz  
  
"Wuzz yer name?," asked Jet Bob.  
  
The guy sitting at the bar in the non-chigger section stared at the misfit gang sans Spike and muttered.  
  
" George Francis Montgomery III," the stranger responded.  
  
"Aw shucks! Ed thought he was 'im but he ain't," Ed said to Ein.  
  
" But my friends call me Big Bubba," the stranger added.  
  
"YER BIG BUBBA?!" the gang even Ein yelled out.  
  
Upon hearing this Spike ran back in and unknowingly dragging Vicious with him. He then daringly strutted right up to Big Bubba and sneezed like a bunny but then Spike stared at him directly in the eye.  
  
"Liten up ya. I gunna take ya'lls in and git my bounty. So r ya goin peace- a-fully?" Spike spat at Big Bubba while shaking the fist which held Vicious at him.  
  
"First, you have a pale man in your grip and second-" Big Bubba said then took out his trusty weapon, yes that's right, a 15-pound North Atlantic salmon, and whacked Spike with it.  
  
Both Spike and Vicious went flying. Jet Bob, Miz Faye Jean, Ed, and Ein ran out of the Krusty Bucket because back when Spike was in the Syndicate of Chicken Farmers (SOCF) attacking someone with a North Atlantic salmon meant certain death. Since both Spike and Vicious were in SOCF a coalition would be formed. The only way to defeat a salmon packing bounty is to use Francis De Valera's ( Bruce Lee's Irish-Japanese 3rd cousin once removed) Prancing Cashew Attack. As Spike and Vicious prepare for the attack we now go outside.  
  
///////////////  
  
" Wha' we do now?" asked Miz Faye Jean as she wrote her name in the dirt.  
  
"I dun know. Wha' 'bout ya, Ed? Wha' do ya have to say?" asked Jet Bob.  
  
"Pop. Six. Squish. Uh uh. Cicero. Lipschitz," Ed replied in a smoky way and repeated it getting louder and more angry with each word.  
  
Jet Bob and Miz Faye Jean stared at her then joined in. (Note: to make it easier for me this part will be written in dialog format.)  
  
All singing and jazz dancing: They had it coming. They had it coming. They only had themselves to blame. If you'd have been there. If you'd have seen it.  
  
Ed: I betcha you would have done the same!  
  
Jet Bob and Miz Faye Jean: Pop Six Squish Uh uh Cicero Lipschitz  
  
Miz Faye Jean (spoken): Ya'll know 'bout how some people have these lil' habits tha' git to ya. Like Jimmy. Jimmy liked to play with balloons. Nah, not play. POP. Well, Is came home one day an' I've a bad hangover, an' I'm lookin' fer some ice and there Jimmy sitting on the kitchen table, wearin' my white bathrobe, and playin'. Nah, not playin'. POPPIN'. Sos, I said to him. "Ya'll pop that balloon one more time.." and he did. Sos I took the scissors from the drawers and went after him. And gave 'im a . really . bad . haircut.  
  
All: They had it coming. They had it coming. They only had themselves to blame. If you'd have been there. If you'd have seen it. I betcha you would have done the same! They had it coming. They had it coming. They only had themselves to blame. If you'd have been there. If you'd have seen it. I betcha you would have done the same! They had it coming. They had it coming. They only had themselves to blame. If you'd have been there. If you'd have seen it. I betcha you would have done the same!  
  
Jet Bob: Michael Frackus was my partner down at the police station for 2 years. And he seemed very normal. And we were good friends right away. Sos, we worked well together. We'd patrol, come back, he payed me to clip his toenails on his left foot and we patrol again. It was okay except for clipin' toenails but I got money. Then he asked me to clip his toenails on his right foot. "Normal" I thought. Normal, my ass. Not only he wanted me to clip more toenails. oh, no. his right foot had six toes. A genetic thing er somethin'. So when we came back and I started to clip his right foot. You know, I didn't clip the sixth toe.  
  
All: They had it coming. They had it coming. They only had themselves to blame. If you'd have been there. If you'd have seen it. I betcha you would have done the same! They had it coming. They had it coming. They only had themselves to blame. If you'd have been there. If you'd have seen it. I betcha you would have done the same! Hah! They had it coming. They had it coming. They took advantage of us. erm. YEAH! And then they used us. And some other stuff. It was revenge but the kind that's in a PG rated movie!  
  
Jet Bob and Miz Faye Jean: Pop Six Squish Uh uh Cicero Lipschitz  
  
Ed (spoken): Ed was sittin' in Ed's room playin' with Ed's hammer mindin' Ed's business when a funky bug came crawlin' in. "Sprig. Scratch. Scratch. Boop!" it said. It was nasty and kept sayin', " Sprig. Scratch. Scratch. Boop!" An' then it ran underneath Ed's hammer. It ran underneath Ed's hammer ten times.  
  
All: Pop Six Squish Uh uh Cicero Lipschitz Pop Six Squish Uh uh Cicero Lipschitz If you'd have been there. If you'd have seen it. I betcha you would have done the same.  
  
Ein (spoken):Woof woof, bark arf? Arf growl, bark bark grr yip yap bark bark woof pant yip bark woof. Grr arf yap, pant arf woof. Bark bark arf bark Spike arf bark bark woof. Pant arf grr yip yip bark wof woof bark.  
  
Jet Bob (spoken): Yeah but did you do it?  
  
Ein: Uh uh. Not Guilty!  
  
While that was happening outside back in the Krusty Bucket, Spike and Vicious were still preparing for the attack. During all that time Big Bubba hit the 27 times so they had to start over with each hit.  
  
"Aw. Let's just do it, Spike!" Vicious mumbled.  
  
"Fine," Spike responded.  
  
Suddenly all the cashews in the Krusty Bucket were in their possession and then Spike and Vicious started to throw them at Big Bubba with such vigor that it immediately brought him down. So Big Bubba was handcuffed and was being carried out when all three saw Jet Bob, Miz Faye Jean, Ed, and Ein singing and dancing. They left Big Bubba on the porch and joined in.  
  
Spike (spoken): My best friend, Vicious and I were members of SOCF and Julia May used to attend the meetings with us. Now for the closing of each meeting, each member brought something for the pot luck afterwards. Chutney, grits, johnny cakes, stew, pot pie, spreadable fish, back ribs, fajitas, one dish after the other. Well, this one night we were at the banquet hall of the hotel Cicero, the three of us were boozin' and havin' a few laughs when we ran out of cherries. So I went out to get some. I came back to where we were staying and there's Vicious and Julia May talkin' 'bout my secret recipe, spreadable fish.  
  
All: They had it coming. They had it coming. They only had themselves to blame. If you'd have been there. If you'd have seen it. I betcha you would have done the same! They had it coming. They had it coming. They only had themselves to blame. If you'd have been there. If you'd have seen it. I betcha you would have done the same!  
  
Spike (spoken) : Well, I was in such a state of shock. I completely blacked out, I can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later, when I was washing the cherry stains off my hand. I even knew I started a food fight.  
  
Spike: they had it coming  
  
All: they had it coming  
  
Spike: they had it coming  
  
All: they had it coming  
  
Spike: they had it coming  
  
All: they took advantage of us  
  
Spike: all along  
  
All: . erm. yeah!  
  
Spike: I didn't do it.  
  
All: and then they used us.  
  
Spike: But if I done it.  
  
All: and some other stuff  
  
Spike: How could you tell me  
  
All: it was revenge  
  
Spike: that I was wrong?  
  
All: but the kind that's in a PG rated movie  
  
Vicious (spoken): I loved my bird, Lipschitz, more than I can possibly say. He was a real artsy bird. sensitive. a would be painter if he had opposable thumbs. But he was troubled. He was always trying to find himself and on the way he found Julia May, Ruthie June, Eddie, and the he went back to Julia May. I guess ya can say I got rid of him because of artistic differences. He saw himself living in my house and I saw him out on the street.  
  
All: The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. They had it coming. They had it coming. They only had themselves to blame. If you'd have been there. If you'd have seen it. I betcha you would have done the same! They had it coming. They had it coming. They only had themselves to blame. If you'd have been there. If you'd have seen it. I betcha you would have done the same!  
  
Miz Faye Jean (Spoken): Ya'll pop that balloon one more time  
  
Jet Bob(spoken): Normal, my ass  
  
Ed (spoken): ten times  
  
Ein (spoken): Bark Bark arf bark Spike arf bark bark woof.  
  
Spike (spoken): My secret recipe, speadable fish  
  
Vicious (spoken): Artistic differences  
  
All: Pop. Six. Squish. Uh uh. Cicero. Lipschitz  
  
" Hey what happened to Big Bubba?" Miz Faye Jean asked.  
  
Spike and Vicious looked around but Big Bubba was nowhere to be found.  
  
What happened to Big Bubba? Why did everyone break out into song and dance? Find out in chapter 5. 


End file.
